Author: Dave December 6, 2007

I can’t figure this one out. For some reason, only over this past year, my mail has been showing up super late and completely mangled. The funny part is it’s always the important pay checks, never the spam, never the unwanted “new line of credit” envelopes, and never the vouchers for a sale on framed Yellow Java Stick Insects to go with my framed Green Java Stick Insects.

No, they never seem to demolish the letters offering a buy one get one free Kitty Wig. Not poking fun, by the way, if you purchase a Kitty Wig, 20% of their profits are donated to the ASPCA quarterly. But it’s always the paychecks…ONLY the paychecks. Until today. Today they went to far.

I received a completely dilapidated envelope containing a Christmas card from my Aunt. How it survived the journey, or what heroic deeds it may have committed along it’s path I’ll not find out. The point is, against all odds, it arrived and somewhat legible. Thanks post office. Through rain, sleet or snow, we will drag your mail all the way to your door step.

The first few times I had to ask a client to cut a new check and I’d eat the difference with their canceled check because the banks wouldn’t take them in their current state, was embarrassing enough. But now post office, you messed with my Xmas cards and it went too far. I’m going to make a stand, silly as it seems. I’m going in there tomorrow. Of course, I’ll have to quickly get back in shape, do some stretches and practice my defensive techniques before heading on down, because I’m sure we’ve all heard stories of what happens when we piss off the post office.

Just to clarify, I’m not posting about all post offices…just in case anyone reading was planning a trip, no…I’m talking about MY particular post office. They seem to have a vendetta on some select parcels of mine. I’m sure that I will have the element of surprise before heading over at least, as I doubt many of the workers in my post office are avid readers, except for the occasional review of the upcoming movie Okie Noodling II. Noodling, by the way, is now considered an extreme sport as many pro noodlers have lost fingers, and whole hands after having accidentally grabbed small sharks in the murky waters of river inlets, mistaking them for the elusive Blue Catfish.

You can watch these Noodlists as the excitement builds:

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If there is not some wire tapping going on, in which case this post will probably disappear quickly enough, than I can’t understand why ONLY my important mail is being made to suffer. Why not dish out a beat down to the spam mail? I would even consider tipping the mailman if this were the case. Or is it because I didn’t tip last year? Ahhh I see how it is. Well wait till you see what I leave you in the mailbox this year then! Perhaps he’ll reach in to pick up a letter, only to find a gigantic, 700lb Moby Catfish with a bite that would make Quint from Jaws shudder sticking to the end of his frozen finger tips. Maybe I’ll get my message across clearer that way.

It’s bad enough to have to pay .41 cents per stamp, when you know it’s going up again soon enough, only to have the quality of your mail delivery go to the dogs. I’d hate to see the state of my dried Java Stick Insect if I were to receive one as a gift this year and it came via mail. By the time my post office were finished with their pummeling it might have a closer semblance of a Malaysian Jungle Nymph and judging by their customer feedback BugsDirect.com goes through great pains to package and deliver all sorts of insects to their customers in tact.

One happy customer wrote about his box o’ tarantulas:

“Just a quick email to say thanks Bugs Direct for an excellent service. The Tarantulas arrived this morning safely and in good health. I look forward to doing business with you again.”

Definitely an impressive list of satisfied customers, but I’m sure if anyone in my zip code is ordering from them this holiday season, they may have a rude awakening when their packages arrive. So wish me luck tomorrow, I hope that I can work this out in a professional manner and that I start receiving my mail like normal people do, inside the envelope, entirely legible and not full of tire tread marks. There’s always the chance, though, that I may not make it back whole, but I have a good feeling that this issue can be resolved. If not, I know lots of people back in Jersey who are known for having a way of making rogue mailmen behave.