Author: Dave January 13, 2008

It’s that time of year again. For my company, PXL Designs, it’s been it’s first full year of existence and that means….what else? Time to reconcile with Uncle Sam. I spent the day searching through QuickBooks and disemboweling the file cabinet for obscure receipts, check stubs, and other various forms of paper remnants of a year’s worth of holding a company together.

If you’re like me, your file cabinet is jammed packed with carefully placed papers that are sorted in a completely illogical manner and that never occurred to you until the day you find yourself sifting through the hours of papercuts trying to decipher your own system. If I’m not far off, I may have come across some additions to the Dead Sea Scrolls. Anything is possible in my cabinet.

Hours later and I can finally sit down and write a bit. 2007 is at last over and having emptied the file cabinet, I can set up my new folders and look forward to another year of creating a jungle of paperwork, neatly concealed within the drawers of my file cabinet, away from view. Out of sight, out of mind so they say.

Many things have been said about taxes that still hold true today. An unknown comedian once said

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling.

This is how I feel right now. Don Rickles said

The Internal Revenue Code is about 10 times the size of the Bible – and unlike the Bible, contains no good news.

Hmmm….no comment. One of my favorites, Dave Barry wrote

It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.

On the flip side, Michael Bloomberg once said

Taxes are not good things, but if you want services, somebody’s got to pay for them so they’re a necessary evil.

Having lived in New York City for over 2 years with Mr. Bloomberg as Mayor, I have to agree with this one. By “somebody” however, he means “yous peoples”. I don’t think he ever accepted my suggestion that as a billionaire Mayor, he could offer to pick up on some of NYC’s taxes and help us all out, no skin off his nose.

After thinking about taxes all weekend, and finally putting them behind me for the time being, I’ve come up with some suggested means of taxation that could really push the economy in 2008 and help us out of a rut.

• Mr. Bloomberg has created such laws in NYC that have been such a burden to people and small businesses, I suggest that he himself should pay the 10 billion dollar “you make-ah da taxes, you pay-ah da taxes” tax. If you wish to visit NY and go bar hopping for a night, leave your smokes at home, be weary of hamburgers, french fries, or any other food containing trans fats (transexuals are not yet being taxed in NYC for their preffix, but rather the food containing trans fats). There may soon be a fart tax imposed on the citizens of NYC for polluting the environment, not sure about this one though. I’m sure Mr. Bloomberg’s comment about “somebody’s got to pay them” will included taxes on transexuals, heterosexuals, metrosexuals, dogs, cats, pigeons, homeless persons, aliens (both extraterrestrials and illegal) and the list goes on, but not himself and his power elite friends I’m sure he meant. No, he would need some more cuts.
• Verizon, Microsoft, Apple, Intel, Dell, etc, all the big guys should get a “help out the little guys” taxes. Little guys like me, just starting our companies could share our tax debt with our big brothers so to speak, I’m sure they’d be glad to help out. You can view this as a sort of volunteer tax that I’m sure will gain widely in popularity.

These are just some ideas to name a few. Park on the wrong side of the street in NYC and you’re looking at a $50 ticket. Park an inch past a yellow curb, another $50 I believe. $8 to cross the George Washington Bridge, and the troll hiding under it happens to be a billionaire. I think he could do more for NYC by imposing a self-tax, or ass-tax, if you’re an ass, you have to pay another tax. It’s even a catchy phrase. If not, I believe the people of NYC should go to their windows and toss their ill-gotten McDonals Kangaroo Meat burgers in the streets in protest, not unlike the famed Boston Tea Party. We could call it the Trans fat Patty Party.

Perhaps I’m ranting, but I did promise there would be more of that in the future. I guess I’m still venting a bit after trying to figure out what is deductible and what is not and actually seeing the total numbers of a busy year of work and where exactly my money is going. Between Uncle Sam and the pharma industry which I’ve worked for for years, I consider it an accomplishment that I’m still here blogging in ’08. On a previous post, I mentioned my highly prized kidney stone operation I had earlier in the year when I was not covered by medical insurance. After an astronomical bill, I have yet to receive my stone, encrusted with precious gems, set and hanging from a chain wrought in pure platinum as I’ve requested time and time again. Perhaps the hospital that I’m paying still did not take my request seriously? Why would anyone turn down the chance to wear such a prized possession birthed within their own body with pride? I cannot imagine.

One of my New Year’s resolutions is to jump on taxes quarterly as I had originally intended. In this way, I ensure myself 4 times the fun and lesser payments to the IRS at any given time. My advice for anyone else currently pouring over their paperwork for the year in tax preparation is this: Accountants accountants accountants, and if you don’t have medical insurance but find yourself stuck with a kidney stone, do yourself a favor, buy a bottle of Jack Daniels for the pain and do some high speed, vigorous jumping jacks until you either pass out, die, or the stone comes out of its own accord. You may even enlist the aid of a vacuum cleaner if need be. Of course there’s no better advice than just making sure you’re covered by insurance (the kind where you can make a claim, not just pay premiums) before you wind up with one.